Sometimes I get this ethereal feeling. This feeling of me being the centre of the universe. Waiting wanting fidgeting helplessly for someone to listen to what my thoughts are. This weirdest feeling of me being the one person on earth and the earth being empty. I look around at that moment to reassure myself that’s not true because my eyes are seeing people, acknowledging them in simple gestures like smiling at them on a bus stop or pushing them while climbing the local train or asking someone to share the cab or if he could give me a lift till worli naaka. What I see is what I should believe. And when I look at people one by one every face, scrutinising their gestures, I so want to know their life story, curiosity drives me insane every day.
Sometimes I get a strong feeling that it would have been better if I hallucinated. At least there would be a reason called “chemical imbalance in the head” for all of this. And atleast then I would see, feel, and believe what I wanted to. But because that’s not happening I start questioning my being, the purpose, this and that. What is it that I am here for. Studying working getting married having kids raising them dying. I am in denial of this life cycle. I want more…I seek something; I don’t know what but something more. I want to understand people. What drives them. How come they live on and don’t question. I can’t accept that I am here and I exist because I am supposed to. There has to be more to my life than just this life cycle. I know one reason for my existence is love. I am capable of unconditionally loving…I just don’t end up doing it unconditionally… I end up expecting.
It would have been easier if there was a key…an answer to all questions. Everything is equal to “that answer”. Everything = blah!
Restlessly observing people in local trains, roads, bus-stops, everywhere..And wanting to feel like a part of the universe…belonging to a subset of a bigger set. But evrerytime failing. While in Nagpur for the marriage, so wanted to be a part of the wedding, of the family, of the celebration. But it was just my body physically present laughing, dancing, trying to pay attention, but my mind and soul( yes I do have a soul and I am aware of that) wandering, observing everyone in the family, their gestures, conversations, happiness etc etc.
Sometimes i try to focus on my breathing to calm myself down. To not think about my existence. To not question and live on. I wish I was one of them, one of all.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
IMPACT...
The article I know is gona start on a promising note and all interesting but is gona end in boredom.
Sometimes life’s a fast forward and sometimes a slow motion and all I am is a constant. Like the seasons in the window everything around changes and moves and grows but rarely does it make a difference, like the people…there are so many of them who mean nothing, who mean something, who mean a lot, who don’t exist, who make a difference and there are some who touch your life. But then you step out of yourself and take a look at whats happening and question whether it was worth letting your life be touched.
Sometimes everything that precedes or follows is a lesson to be learnt and I am tired of learning these “lessons” from life because soon I’ll run outa patience for the learning and would want things to be my way. But anyways, so the lessons yah….there are so many lessons learnt in this whole process of people who’ve had an impact on my life and touched my life. Some of them know about it and many of them don’t but now that I think about it most of them were not worth impacting or touching but they did and it leaves a hollow inside.
I wonder why dint Dr. APJ Abdul Kalam or Mangal Pandey or someone worth it make a difference in my life. Why does it have to be people who do not deserve to make a mark in my life have been there on those moments, incidences and times.
The truth is that there have been people who have not made a difference in my life but still somehow managed to impact or touch and its unfair. People who don’t even know how deeply involved I got into what they said or did and the whole rollercoaster of emotions. People who are unaware. Its not that I want them to be aware or something but it just annoys me that they are not worth it but still they did it. They tried and they won. And believe me on some level everyone tries to leave an impact or touch your life, they are just not consciously aware of doing it or wanting to do it.
And this writing process is just killing me because if i read “this” article on somebody’s blog it would just kill the shit outa me. All I would think that the article is the sign of extreme boredome and lack of grey matter in the brains. But there are issues and there is grey matter that’s why there are these issues.
Sometimes life’s a fast forward and sometimes a slow motion and all I am is a constant. Like the seasons in the window everything around changes and moves and grows but rarely does it make a difference, like the people…there are so many of them who mean nothing, who mean something, who mean a lot, who don’t exist, who make a difference and there are some who touch your life. But then you step out of yourself and take a look at whats happening and question whether it was worth letting your life be touched.
Sometimes everything that precedes or follows is a lesson to be learnt and I am tired of learning these “lessons” from life because soon I’ll run outa patience for the learning and would want things to be my way. But anyways, so the lessons yah….there are so many lessons learnt in this whole process of people who’ve had an impact on my life and touched my life. Some of them know about it and many of them don’t but now that I think about it most of them were not worth impacting or touching but they did and it leaves a hollow inside.
I wonder why dint Dr. APJ Abdul Kalam or Mangal Pandey or someone worth it make a difference in my life. Why does it have to be people who do not deserve to make a mark in my life have been there on those moments, incidences and times.
The truth is that there have been people who have not made a difference in my life but still somehow managed to impact or touch and its unfair. People who don’t even know how deeply involved I got into what they said or did and the whole rollercoaster of emotions. People who are unaware. Its not that I want them to be aware or something but it just annoys me that they are not worth it but still they did it. They tried and they won. And believe me on some level everyone tries to leave an impact or touch your life, they are just not consciously aware of doing it or wanting to do it.
And this writing process is just killing me because if i read “this” article on somebody’s blog it would just kill the shit outa me. All I would think that the article is the sign of extreme boredome and lack of grey matter in the brains. But there are issues and there is grey matter that’s why there are these issues.
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