They were after my life...Not!

I thought they were after my life, they did not let me think otherwise. All the actions, the motives, the way they looked at me proved that they were in fact after my life. There was no explanation other than that, to what was going on. My worst fears had come true. I just turned 25 I intend to live a li’l longer, I thought to myself. Wanted to run away but couldn’t, they won’t let me. All of them were so close, they could hear me breathe, and they could see the sweat rolling down my forehead, my pain was visible through my moistened eyes. I wish they be human enough to give me another chance at life. I realised, if ever pure evil existed it would be in the form of them. I tried fighting, revolting, they won’t let me, were too many of them for me to fight back. But I did not want to give up fighting…. Like a brave soldier I kept on rebelling and fighting till the point of immense exhaustion. Was about to give up and surrender when I saw something in them, some deep rooted rivalry…jealousy… they were not after my life..they wanted something more….
I did not want to believe as the realisation of what they wanted sank in. They were not after my life… they were after my French Pedicure!!!!!! And as a reflex action of a mother saving her baby …as soon as the realisation struck…some unknown force crawled inside me and I yelled “ennnnooouuuugghhhh….leave me and my feet alllloonnneeeee” only to realise that the scream was only in my head. Reality: I said “oouucchhh”. The ladies in the local train gave me indifferent look and I just smiled at them. By the time I decided to do something cruel I had reached my destination… nahi toh unki toh main!

Girlie wants...

“Brain and system were itching to write but nothing was interesting enough until I happened to enter the elevator and look at the mirror!”
I wish that was the opening line! But is not. So am gona write about something really girlie. Still watching Sex and the city-the movie and tears trickling down. Yes I cried! I DONOT CRY in movies. I feel intense stab of emotions but I “do-not” shed tears on movies! But everytime I see “Big chickening out on carrie” scene, something inside me just churns. Until today I thought that I cried all the four times( yeah that’s how many times I have watched the movie) because of carries’ hurt but only today I realised that each time I cried because carrie had her “girlfriends” when Big left her at the altar. When Big meets her in the middle of the road to apologise and tell her that he wants to marry her and she hits him and says “I knew you would do this to me” the Friend hugs her, yells at Big with rage in her eyes in the form of tears and takes her back to the car. And when all of this is happening I cry.
I sure have best friends. Three amazing guys who would three individual times kill The guy like Big, take me in their arms. And sure they would understand what I am going through and blah blah. Maybe all the three of them would offer to marry me to soothe my senses and I know everything would be aright because they are around BUT…. I want girlfriend’s shoulder to cry on, I want to share girlie stuff like “oh that guy’s ass was so cute” and “this guy had a tiny-winny”. And stuff like, that lucky bitch has him he ought to be with me, you won’t believe what happened…I chipped my nail.
I talk stuff with these three men. Stuff like I think I should have bigger boobs and cuter ass. But trust you me.. the reaction they give is not what I want. A girlfriend would always give truthful reaction but the guys’ reaction is “I think you perfect” “you closest to the perfect girl” “meetali tu dil ki bohot acchi hai” “the guy you gona be with is the luckiest” “I have never met a person with such a pure heart” or not even all this, sometimes its just a “umm-hmm”. Two of them love my voice and one pretends to hate it. But I want a reaction like “you know tera tummy bahaar aa raha hai” or “look at your pimples- as big as mount everest”. I want someone who would be jealous of me and me of her in a healthy way. Someone who’d tell me that I am a fashion disaster ( which I am) someone who’d cry when I tell her am getting married ( which is not likely to happen in this birth). Someone who’d be there always…Someone who’d be a girl.
P.S : I am very much straight…I am the definition of straight…if in doubt please refer the article “Sins Personified”. This blog-post is written in the most platonic interests of fraand-preference.

The Centre...

Sometimes I get this ethereal feeling. This feeling of me being the centre of the universe. Waiting wanting fidgeting helplessly for someone to listen to what my thoughts are. This weirdest feeling of me being the one person on earth and the earth being empty. I look around at that moment to reassure myself that’s not true because my eyes are seeing people, acknowledging them in simple gestures like smiling at them on a bus stop or pushing them while climbing the local train or asking someone to share the cab or if he could give me a lift till worli naaka. What I see is what I should believe. And when I look at people one by one every face, scrutinising their gestures, I so want to know their life story, curiosity drives me insane every day.
Sometimes I get a strong feeling that it would have been better if I hallucinated. At least there would be a reason called “chemical imbalance in the head” for all of this. And atleast then I would see, feel, and believe what I wanted to. But because that’s not happening I start questioning my being, the purpose, this and that. What is it that I am here for. Studying working getting married having kids raising them dying. I am in denial of this life cycle. I want more…I seek something; I don’t know what but something more. I want to understand people. What drives them. How come they live on and don’t question. I can’t accept that I am here and I exist because I am supposed to. There has to be more to my life than just this life cycle. I know one reason for my existence is love. I am capable of unconditionally loving…I just don’t end up doing it unconditionally… I end up expecting.
It would have been easier if there was a key…an answer to all questions. Everything is equal to “that answer”. Everything = blah!
Restlessly observing people in local trains, roads, bus-stops, everywhere..And wanting to feel like a part of the universe…belonging to a subset of a bigger set. But evrerytime failing. While in Nagpur for the marriage, so wanted to be a part of the wedding, of the family, of the celebration. But it was just my body physically present laughing, dancing, trying to pay attention, but my mind and soul( yes I do have a soul and I am aware of that) wandering, observing everyone in the family, their gestures, conversations, happiness etc etc.
Sometimes i try to focus on my breathing to calm myself down. To not think about my existence. To not question and live on. I wish I was one of them, one of all.

IMPACT...

The article I know is gona start on a promising note and all interesting but is gona end in boredom.
Sometimes life’s a fast forward and sometimes a slow motion and all I am is a constant. Like the seasons in the window everything around changes and moves and grows but rarely does it make a difference, like the people…there are so many of them who mean nothing, who mean something, who mean a lot, who don’t exist, who make a difference and there are some who touch your life. But then you step out of yourself and take a look at whats happening and question whether it was worth letting your life be touched.
Sometimes everything that precedes or follows is a lesson to be learnt and I am tired of learning these “lessons” from life because soon I’ll run outa patience for the learning and would want things to be my way. But anyways, so the lessons yah….there are so many lessons learnt in this whole process of people who’ve had an impact on my life and touched my life. Some of them know about it and many of them don’t but now that I think about it most of them were not worth impacting or touching but they did and it leaves a hollow inside.
I wonder why dint Dr. APJ Abdul Kalam or Mangal Pandey or someone worth it make a difference in my life. Why does it have to be people who do not deserve to make a mark in my life have been there on those moments, incidences and times.
The truth is that there have been people who have not made a difference in my life but still somehow managed to impact or touch and its unfair. People who don’t even know how deeply involved I got into what they said or did and the whole rollercoaster of emotions. People who are unaware. Its not that I want them to be aware or something but it just annoys me that they are not worth it but still they did it. They tried and they won. And believe me on some level everyone tries to leave an impact or touch your life, they are just not consciously aware of doing it or wanting to do it.
And this writing process is just killing me because if i read “this” article on somebody’s blog it would just kill the shit outa me. All I would think that the article is the sign of extreme boredome and lack of grey matter in the brains. But there are issues and there is grey matter that’s why there are these issues.

DODO THE DONKESS…

Not many people would understand the story, but this is for a special bear who took dodo on the walk when she wasn’t well….yawny this one’s for you and your yawns!

Once upon a time there was Dodo a small but smart donkess. For those of you who don’t exactly know what’s a donkess, it’s a female donkey…no no a female donkey is not a jenny or jennet but a donkess , says yawny the bear. So Dodo is this sweet, small and smart donkess. And yawny is this huge harmless bear who yawned every time Dodo opened her mouth to talk about something important, like saving the planet from alien attacks and fighting the Resident evils and vampires and predators and everything that’s there in the Hollywood movies, she had some unresolved issues to look after as she was very very proactive in saving the community. One day while yawny and dodo were out on a walk in the wild wild west although Dodo was unwell and not feeling up to the mark but as she was extremely dedicated to saving the world they went ahead. Dodo heard something and as she opened her sweet mouth to tell yawny about it, he YAWNED so she dint bother to tell. As Dodo reached for her pistol (CZ 75 P-01 which was gifted to her by the Czech govt for saving their country from terrorist attacks) she realised she’d forgotten all her gadgets home, as this was supposed to be a fun walk! So after a moment of panic, she slowly went after the voice and yawny followed. She removed the twigs and the branches in the way and what she saw was beyond Yawny’s imaginations!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yawny almost fainted. It was a larger than life and in the end it doesn’t even matter, that huge a cockroach! It was so ugly and 10,000 times bigger than Dodo and 1000 times bigger than yawny. It had huge tentacles only coming out of its nose, they were all over the place. Dodo gave yawney that look of “baby everythings gonna be fine main hoon nah” yawney started shivering. Dodo went ahead and made weird dhechu dhechu sound aloud to distract the cockroach’s attention from yawney. And as the cockroach looked at her she skid her way through his huge legs with a dried sharp twig in her hand and while skidding split open his stomach. Pool of blood started pouring in which dodo and yawney swam for a bit celebrating their victory but then something horribly went wrong. Dodo’s worstest fears came true, she held yawney tightly as she was living the fear and it came near and near( although it wasn’t there but dodo had amazing sixth sense and she knew its coming for her) so she held yawney tightly and told him half crying that the big black lustrous snake three times bigger than anaconda called “Chamkila” is coming smelling the blood. Yawny started shivering again. The snake slowly started appearing infront of them half standing half on his body and sniffing looking straight in Dodo’s eyes. Dodo started shivering, yawney ran away, chamkila and dodo held the eye contact. Dodo held very still because she dint know what else to do. Chamkila started going towards her very slowly and slyly and at that very moment, yawney jumped from behind chamkila nailed his tail, as chamkila looked back in pain and rage, yawney took out his tool kit hammer( as he was a plumber, specialising in huge pipes) and slammed the hugest hammer on chamkila’s stupid fucking head. Both the friends saw some stars and circles over chamkila’s head but as both of them were super forgiving people they decided to forgive chamkila and did his first aid and won his loyalty forever.
Dodo and yawney became bestest friends and lived happily ever after.
2020:
Dodo married to a super intelligent, super hot, super funny and super loaded donkey. She is an under agent for the universe against supernatural evil forces
Yawney, unmarried lives happily besides and visits dodo everyday and sometimes gives advices on the cases.

Maa's hands...

This was a college assignment...the topic "Mother's hands"

I DNT KNW HOW IT FELT WHEN SHE HELD ME FOR THE FIRST TIME…
M sure her hands must have been warm and soothing lik a wind chime…
Then her hand must have held me and held her breast….
And she then fed me….and put my soul to rest
Then holding this same hand…I learnt to walk….simulating her lips …I learnt to talk
She held my hand in hers…n made me write A,B,C…..i dint know how to write but I know she loved me
In class 5th a guy said “iski maa toh langdi hey”…It got on my nerves…I pushed him out my way
I slapt him on his face…he hit me back…
ma washed my wounds with these hands and forgive the chap.
Then she met with th accident….n her hand had this crutche…she felt lik giving up…
but for us she gave life a nudge
Sometimes these hand had rashes….sometimes they went numb….but silently she suffered….
she wanted us to b strong lik our mum
Then ashu broke my heart…my world broke apart…cuping my face with her hand….
she knew the pain I cudnt stand
That hand patted me evrynight… till I was done wit the pain…these hands healed my heart….
like a saint
These were the hands that tied mansi di’s knot….these are the hands that slapped mohit…when with me he fought

we never ever realised ….that ma was handicapped…she’s been a woman of courage,strenght,love and care….
she never ever complained that life was unfair
I wish many times that I was her stick…
wn I told her this she thought I was sick…
atleast then her hand would hold onto me till she was gone….
bt now m glad tht I am her dughter cz I knw these hands will bless me even after she’s long gone
her’s were the hands that cooked,fed,prayed,blessed,slapped,soothed,patted,tickled, taught and WALKED……

All I Want...Is You

A dream so strong…a winter long…..
Long walks…sweet talks
Wet feet…dirty sheets
Work a bit on your charm…dance holding me in your arm…
Hugs tight….love fights
Known silence …mock violence
When am hurt,you might get another chance…if you do a li’l strip tease and a li’l dance…
for me no chocolates… no teady bears
I know I sound wicked… and unfair
Instead a massage I’d love…it would be fun ending up making love…
No betrayals… no disguise
Pamper me cuddle me…look into my eyes
Arrange for a bonfire by the pool…kiss me tease me make me drool…
Stolen gazes…blushed faces
Half smiles…walking miles
Kiss me on my elbow,kiss me on my knees…when I do a little drama, say a cute please!!!
Winking,ticklin … and a mild flirt
Laughing your heartout…till the ribs hurt
Tickle my bare back wit a rose…gimme wet kisses on my toes…
Sleepful…sinless
Sinful …sleepless
Play wit my hair,sing me lullaby…gaze in my eyes n talk about the sky…

Kiss my forehead kiss my eyes
Touch my belly button and make the temperature rise…

Kiss my nose and kiss my chin
Say you want me …with that grin…

Kiss my ears n kiss my cheeks
Take my ecstacy to the new peaks…

Kiss me on my ears and kiss my lips
Touch me everywhere with your fingertips…

Cuddled up in the blanket…by the fire
Tell me your childhood memories…and desires…

When I fall asleep…whisper “I love u”
Make love to me again…and say its true…until I say I love u too…
But even if u don’t do all this stuff
The times r harsh n realities rough…
I’ll b there by your side…Try to work my charm
I’ll sway u lik a tide…N hold u in my arms…
n wn u say baby I luv u…I’ll say I luv u too,3,4,5…infinity

Sins personified!

It’s amazing how they are all so similar but yet so different! There’s so much of variety and its actually fun to hang out with each differently unique individual.
I met this guy whose stories just turned me on (oops! I had promised someone that I’ll not use sex or any carnal stuff in my next written work! ) he’ll do well I know because the passion with which he told me the stories, the scripts rather, were amazing. So much enthusiasm and so much glow and all smiles and pride on his face, the gestures and the eye contact while telling them to me. One thing he shared with me was that he lies unnecessarily  *He never closed his eyes though* and I liked that fact.
And there was this other one who was younger and behaved like a young kid, not very very interesting but occasionally cracked funny one liners and I always liked when he laughed, he laughed well!
Then there was this one who worked for an advertising firm. Kinda wanabe but very passionate about his work. Was young and acting all grown up but was doing well with his job. Had good eyes, this one, greenish brown and super duper flat stomach!
This one’s my favourite. I don’t know whether he was a best friend ever or not. Damn ignorant but I got used to it. And every time it’s just impossible that I’ll say no to him for something… like a stuck up. Knowing him eventually, he’s a sweetheart. Oh and he never lied to me about his past relationships and what a cheapster he’s been in life (but that may be because he knew it won’t matter to me). And he never left…was there…Tall, cute-faced ( with glow and all) with tutu and the other bunch of teda meda teeth wearing mama’s t-shirt. And the other thing is that I know him so well! He’ll deny that always but he knows the truth. A little hurt but no regrets.
Oh God then there’s the one I call my best friend… saala kamina kutta. Has recently been damn mean to me and made me cry. But I am glad he exists. Had thought he understands the depths a little but after the fight I don’t think so! Ahh I know he still does, but am too angry to let him think that I still acknowledge his being there. He’s promised never to leave and I know he won’t. He rocks because with him I can act like a complete fuck up and get away with it, and because I am his favourite girl on planet and I am gonna be his first priority even if he has a girlfriend or a wife.
Yeyyyy there was this one. Oh he was the best. He was always stoned but for me once he tried being sober. It drove him crazy! The best thing : we met on train ( family frnz n all and jab we met had just released) and got into talking. He had a fucked-up childhood and family scene it so reflected his personality. Awesome is an understatement for his physique. Randomly kamina! But he din’t pretend to be goodie doodie so *respect*
This one had been a childhood friend and was a rebound for a week. He still has existential crisis. Nake guy pretending to be a bad one. Wanabe. But talented has published a book and all. love-hate relationship …kinda turn off. Sense of humour average but sometimes corny. Bolti- band infront of me… but loves me since 9th grade. So awwwww.
Last but not the least! This one had the honour of knowing me good for 4.5 years! Loved him to the core. Still want good stuff for him. He took all my shit and the mood swings never complained. Has been a bad decision maker but good for me!
And I so wish the list was never ending. But its crazy how I eventually try finding good in everyone. Do they deserve it or am I crazy!

After finding God... found truth...

So in my search of the TRUTH finally found it… Infidelity is the ultimate truth these days. Although I keep on hearing stories( that too in close quarters) would want to believe that this won’t happen to me. But what I am writing is different and I am writing this because it exists and very much followed. As I am getting to know this world better and live on, I come across more and more people who have been into these situations without an ounce of guilt. Are we adopting it as a lifestyle or are we just looking at it as moments we want right here right now what the heck!
So what made me write about it is this roomie who told me that she had sex with her boss who has two kids who is married to a hot Russian. “I had not had sex in a while” that’s why she did it, no emotions nothing had no options and “please don’t judge me…it had been a long time so…” says she. While in this conversation we start talking about studies so the other roomie all excitedly blurts out how she “had a thing” with this married professor in the second year of her college. And “hey bhagwan” was I listening or was I judging or was I wanting to believe or was I just in a trance. And then it all came back to me each and every story how people had cheated. The Adulterer’s side of the story and the Victadultry (the new noun I invented for the partner of the person who is engaging into adultery: the “victim of the adultery”) like there was my own w(sh)itty example. Thank God I was a victim I am happier now! And then there was this interesting story wherein My two friends (guys) both had, I call that “the action affairs” the relationship which involves two people so that they can just DO eachother… Oh I always in my subconscious mind knew that there was a subliminal meaning to “ I DO” in wedding wows. So this one does a girl and then on the best friend’s birthday he does the best friend’s girlfriend in presence of his own girlfriend. Everybody cry, fight, alcohol shots, explanations the guyz get back their respective girlfriends after a lot of naatak. Lets not talk about it anymore! It totally got me thinking yet AGAIN. When did this evolution start happening, when did people start taking it as a “part of life or lifestyle”. How come one by one everyone is starting to become that practically casual. And for all those who think that they won’t do it or it won’t happen to them: “It is the nature of biology that both sexes are tempted to be adulterous.” Says a research . another research says “Dream superstition says that “adultery dream” means the opposite. You and your partner will be faithful to each other.” So While I am trying to find out the answers and relax my too cluttered brain hope everyone around get too many dreams of adultery.

When I was 5, I often assumed by the time I turn 24 people would evolve….will have no mouths…just telepathic talks and messages. Because I was too carried away what they showed in those sci-fi movies and I interpreted the whole world around that way. so by 2010 the world would end up into people losing their talking skills to telepathic messages. And it gave me immense pleasure (if only I knew then what was an orgasm) to think that I would not open my mouth to talk and do it with just using my brain and waves and stuff. I wish this was true…coz then I could still get in touch with the One That got away…from me n from us…
In your life, you’ll remember a lot of people. You’ll forget a few , But they’ll be there still in your subconscious. In your life here and there…snippets of them in the dreams, the conversation, the hazy memories, the moments. The Ones with whom you shared a thousand thoughts special, important, rubbish. ones who will always mean something. The one you first kissed, the one you first loved, the one you lost your virginity to, the one you made late night conversations to, the one who was a close friend and then on a rainy day he kissed you and became your best friend, the ones who were there for you and the one who wasn’t...the one you’re with the one you wanted to be with. The one who never was…and the one that got away.
In my life there was this one who never was and then he got away. Sometimes you like someone so much its beyond…it’s like he is from your own womb…that’s what he made me feel like as if he is from my own womb an unexplained part of me. And sometimes you end up feeling so strongly for someone that you feel you wish that you were you and you were him too. So that you know exactly how it feels to be him. And how it feels when he is in pain. I still wish I had evolved as a human to have telepathic talks to him after he was gone because something got lost when heath ledger got away :p

FINDING GOD....

IT IS as exageratd as it sounds...no kidding...aftr a search of one million light years...finally got into a PG!!! it was …So crazily wandering without food n water…in search of a PG…it was like a confusing dream where everything goes wrong. So there I was, searching searching n searching. Checked out some of the shitiest places but now that I think of them they are gonna be there with me forever. One such palce was the newly weds’ room. So this chanda aunty gave me a reference and the wife of the guy (who was from MP n sold cosmetics) took me to see her place in cheera bazaar. And omg!!!! She took me upstairs in a chawl….upstairs there was a small room where a hunch back female was stiching…n there was again a very very small staircase in the same room the wife went upstairs and asked me to come up…I went upstairs and saw that the room was divided into two parts with the stairs…i.e when I went upstairs there was one side of the stair where there was a bed and roof was touchable. And then there was other side (right hand side) which had some suitcases cause they already had one girl staying there and I would have to share the space with her. And the couple’s bed had a curtain and you could not stand while on bed cause the roof was touchable while sitting on it. It totally freaked me out thinking that I’ll have a newly married couple just a curtain away from me…omg…I thought to myself…I would want to go to sleep peacefully and not with thousand kamasutra positions in my head!!!!

THE PURPOSE...

I would never know if it’s all part of a dream....
My dream or somebody else’s...
It freaks me out to think may be it’s my dream ...cz then I get performance anxiety.
But if it’s somebody else’s I feel good...cz then I am merely playing a Character...a role...
May be a lead role maybe a side role?
i would never know

But it amazes me how comfortable i might be to accept a side role...
Don’t we all want to play a significant role???

Frankly I don’t feel like...I don’t wana fake it...if I am here for a purpose it'll get fulfilled regardless of whatever. Because the plot is already there...the brain had already experienced a stimulus and the dream is just a manifestation...

so does that make me part of the REALITY...I would never know...

But if I am.... Then...
The purpose of my existence exists in the existence of the purpose...
So what’s the purpose then?
Is dream the purpose
Is reality the purpose?
Or finding the purpose is the purpose…
I might or might never know.