The Centre...

Sometimes I get this ethereal feeling. This feeling of me being the centre of the universe. Waiting wanting fidgeting helplessly for someone to listen to what my thoughts are. This weirdest feeling of me being the one person on earth and the earth being empty. I look around at that moment to reassure myself that’s not true because my eyes are seeing people, acknowledging them in simple gestures like smiling at them on a bus stop or pushing them while climbing the local train or asking someone to share the cab or if he could give me a lift till worli naaka. What I see is what I should believe. And when I look at people one by one every face, scrutinising their gestures, I so want to know their life story, curiosity drives me insane every day.
Sometimes I get a strong feeling that it would have been better if I hallucinated. At least there would be a reason called “chemical imbalance in the head” for all of this. And atleast then I would see, feel, and believe what I wanted to. But because that’s not happening I start questioning my being, the purpose, this and that. What is it that I am here for. Studying working getting married having kids raising them dying. I am in denial of this life cycle. I want more…I seek something; I don’t know what but something more. I want to understand people. What drives them. How come they live on and don’t question. I can’t accept that I am here and I exist because I am supposed to. There has to be more to my life than just this life cycle. I know one reason for my existence is love. I am capable of unconditionally loving…I just don’t end up doing it unconditionally… I end up expecting.
It would have been easier if there was a key…an answer to all questions. Everything is equal to “that answer”. Everything = blah!
Restlessly observing people in local trains, roads, bus-stops, everywhere..And wanting to feel like a part of the universe…belonging to a subset of a bigger set. But evrerytime failing. While in Nagpur for the marriage, so wanted to be a part of the wedding, of the family, of the celebration. But it was just my body physically present laughing, dancing, trying to pay attention, but my mind and soul( yes I do have a soul and I am aware of that) wandering, observing everyone in the family, their gestures, conversations, happiness etc etc.
Sometimes i try to focus on my breathing to calm myself down. To not think about my existence. To not question and live on. I wish I was one of them, one of all.