Chaotic head, struggle, fighting, numb, feeling, un-feeling, ok, not-ok, happy-not-so-happy blah blah blah...

There’s a lot I can take but then it has to stop somewhere. Anybody else but not my baby brother. The only guy I have managed to love unconditionally and for the longest time. How can I change when I was born because that makes me a cancer the disease that he has. How can 26 years be struggle, not that I have been unhappy or struggling all the time and haven’t seen good times…no! I have been happy and blah blah. But the whole cycle has to fucking take a circle 26 years can’t be half a circle. There has to be right proportion of good and bad!!!!!

We didn’t even have to wait for 2012 for our world to end…it happened now!! Urrggh I hate sounding so pessimistic but I am FINE now, and Mr. Brother who actually has cancer didn’t even cry for 20 days until he heard me saying over the phone (yelling all filmy style) I’ll kill myself if something happens to him. In all this jazz of sadness and paranoia and psychocism in my head let me also mention one dumb boy who’s taken a little bit of space in the chaotic head. So the fellow UK coordinator is one of the best guy I ever met (n trust me I’ve met my share of bad meat). We had No intelligent conversations or deep-rooted worldly talks….NO...Only some amazingly superficially crappy “what the fuck is wrong with you, how dumb are you, I am obviously intelligent than you are, where do we eat, pussies are pretty and peanus so ugly, how can the Indian crew be so dumb (the answer to which we never found out), why is the boss acting psychotic, how heart-broken are you” talks. Super guy I am glad I got a chance to know, but who m soon gona divorce outa fear from being left later. Anyway… just mentioned him because he popped in the head while writing this blog.

So was just wondering how much is too much! As if all these years money issues, family issues, sister-divorce issues weren’t enough that the crab made its way through my brother’s system. Have no other choice but to deal with it, and I know he’s gona be fine but the only thing that pisses me off is- it shouldn’t have happened in the first place. Working my ass off as I have to be successful and earn a lot of money that whole fucking year is gona be so difficult. And My Fucking God! The fucking cycle has to complete the circle of life and do some good like make me a millionaire, cure mohit, make all people close to me happy and do good to the rest of the world.

I know everything’s gona be fine but urrrgghhh, m just pissed that its happening at all.

P.S : Mohit Meshram is the semi- best person on the earth and my favourite.

P.S 2: I am the best and my favourite.

Now that I am going to turn 26(ouch) and gharwale and cousins and my sister all at a time are trying to search guys for me with heart filled with scepticism and fear, and they keep on asking me what kinda guy I want… so here’s something I wrote for my Mr. Impossible!

1) The one who sings old songs for me- chu kar mere mann ko, tera mujhse hai pehle ka naata yehi etc etc.

2) The one who steals moments from others and kisses me.

3) T he one who would want to make out with me every night of my life.

4) The one who flirts with others but constantly keeps on looking at me for reassurance.

5) The one who wants to have kids with me but not too soon not too late.

6) The one who’d sit shirtless with my kid on his chest reciting stories.

7) The one who’d know me better than I know me.

8) T he one who wants to hold my hand all the time even after thirty, fourty, sixty years of marriage.

9) The one who’d fulfil my concept of jigsaw magic.

10) The one written about in books.

11) The one who’ll criticize me but hate everyone else who do.

12) The one who’d watch movies with me.

13) The one who’d text me a smiley.

14) Who has a fabulous and loud laughter.

15) He who’d slap me on my cheek ( with love and all) but I’ll get annoyed and he won’t bother.

16) Who’d not get at all annoyed when I kick and punch and slap and scratch and claw him.

17) And not to forget hot and intelligent and cute and smart and FUNNY!

And after reading what I wrote above I have grown 100% sure that I am just a teenager inside my head and I have watched the wrong movies and read the wrong books and have the wrong notions. And I will never be committed ever again in life!

They were after my life...Not!

I thought they were after my life, they did not let me think otherwise. All the actions, the motives, the way they looked at me proved that they were in fact after my life. There was no explanation other than that, to what was going on. My worst fears had come true. I just turned 25 I intend to live a li’l longer, I thought to myself. Wanted to run away but couldn’t, they won’t let me. All of them were so close, they could hear me breathe, and they could see the sweat rolling down my forehead, my pain was visible through my moistened eyes. I wish they be human enough to give me another chance at life. I realised, if ever pure evil existed it would be in the form of them. I tried fighting, revolting, they won’t let me, were too many of them for me to fight back. But I did not want to give up fighting…. Like a brave soldier I kept on rebelling and fighting till the point of immense exhaustion. Was about to give up and surrender when I saw something in them, some deep rooted rivalry…jealousy… they were not after my life..they wanted something more….
I did not want to believe as the realisation of what they wanted sank in. They were not after my life… they were after my French Pedicure!!!!!! And as a reflex action of a mother saving her baby …as soon as the realisation struck…some unknown force crawled inside me and I yelled “ennnnooouuuugghhhh….leave me and my feet alllloonnneeeee” only to realise that the scream was only in my head. Reality: I said “oouucchhh”. The ladies in the local train gave me indifferent look and I just smiled at them. By the time I decided to do something cruel I had reached my destination… nahi toh unki toh main!

Girlie wants...

“Brain and system were itching to write but nothing was interesting enough until I happened to enter the elevator and look at the mirror!”
I wish that was the opening line! But is not. So am gona write about something really girlie. Still watching Sex and the city-the movie and tears trickling down. Yes I cried! I DONOT CRY in movies. I feel intense stab of emotions but I “do-not” shed tears on movies! But everytime I see “Big chickening out on carrie” scene, something inside me just churns. Until today I thought that I cried all the four times( yeah that’s how many times I have watched the movie) because of carries’ hurt but only today I realised that each time I cried because carrie had her “girlfriends” when Big left her at the altar. When Big meets her in the middle of the road to apologise and tell her that he wants to marry her and she hits him and says “I knew you would do this to me” the Friend hugs her, yells at Big with rage in her eyes in the form of tears and takes her back to the car. And when all of this is happening I cry.
I sure have best friends. Three amazing guys who would three individual times kill The guy like Big, take me in their arms. And sure they would understand what I am going through and blah blah. Maybe all the three of them would offer to marry me to soothe my senses and I know everything would be aright because they are around BUT…. I want girlfriend’s shoulder to cry on, I want to share girlie stuff like “oh that guy’s ass was so cute” and “this guy had a tiny-winny”. And stuff like, that lucky bitch has him he ought to be with me, you won’t believe what happened…I chipped my nail.
I talk stuff with these three men. Stuff like I think I should have bigger boobs and cuter ass. But trust you me.. the reaction they give is not what I want. A girlfriend would always give truthful reaction but the guys’ reaction is “I think you perfect” “you closest to the perfect girl” “meetali tu dil ki bohot acchi hai” “the guy you gona be with is the luckiest” “I have never met a person with such a pure heart” or not even all this, sometimes its just a “umm-hmm”. Two of them love my voice and one pretends to hate it. But I want a reaction like “you know tera tummy bahaar aa raha hai” or “look at your pimples- as big as mount everest”. I want someone who would be jealous of me and me of her in a healthy way. Someone who’d tell me that I am a fashion disaster ( which I am) someone who’d cry when I tell her am getting married ( which is not likely to happen in this birth). Someone who’d be there always…Someone who’d be a girl.
P.S : I am very much straight…I am the definition of straight…if in doubt please refer the article “Sins Personified”. This blog-post is written in the most platonic interests of fraand-preference.

The Centre...

Sometimes I get this ethereal feeling. This feeling of me being the centre of the universe. Waiting wanting fidgeting helplessly for someone to listen to what my thoughts are. This weirdest feeling of me being the one person on earth and the earth being empty. I look around at that moment to reassure myself that’s not true because my eyes are seeing people, acknowledging them in simple gestures like smiling at them on a bus stop or pushing them while climbing the local train or asking someone to share the cab or if he could give me a lift till worli naaka. What I see is what I should believe. And when I look at people one by one every face, scrutinising their gestures, I so want to know their life story, curiosity drives me insane every day.
Sometimes I get a strong feeling that it would have been better if I hallucinated. At least there would be a reason called “chemical imbalance in the head” for all of this. And atleast then I would see, feel, and believe what I wanted to. But because that’s not happening I start questioning my being, the purpose, this and that. What is it that I am here for. Studying working getting married having kids raising them dying. I am in denial of this life cycle. I want more…I seek something; I don’t know what but something more. I want to understand people. What drives them. How come they live on and don’t question. I can’t accept that I am here and I exist because I am supposed to. There has to be more to my life than just this life cycle. I know one reason for my existence is love. I am capable of unconditionally loving…I just don’t end up doing it unconditionally… I end up expecting.
It would have been easier if there was a key…an answer to all questions. Everything is equal to “that answer”. Everything = blah!
Restlessly observing people in local trains, roads, bus-stops, everywhere..And wanting to feel like a part of the universe…belonging to a subset of a bigger set. But evrerytime failing. While in Nagpur for the marriage, so wanted to be a part of the wedding, of the family, of the celebration. But it was just my body physically present laughing, dancing, trying to pay attention, but my mind and soul( yes I do have a soul and I am aware of that) wandering, observing everyone in the family, their gestures, conversations, happiness etc etc.
Sometimes i try to focus on my breathing to calm myself down. To not think about my existence. To not question and live on. I wish I was one of them, one of all.

IMPACT...

The article I know is gona start on a promising note and all interesting but is gona end in boredom.
Sometimes life’s a fast forward and sometimes a slow motion and all I am is a constant. Like the seasons in the window everything around changes and moves and grows but rarely does it make a difference, like the people…there are so many of them who mean nothing, who mean something, who mean a lot, who don’t exist, who make a difference and there are some who touch your life. But then you step out of yourself and take a look at whats happening and question whether it was worth letting your life be touched.
Sometimes everything that precedes or follows is a lesson to be learnt and I am tired of learning these “lessons” from life because soon I’ll run outa patience for the learning and would want things to be my way. But anyways, so the lessons yah….there are so many lessons learnt in this whole process of people who’ve had an impact on my life and touched my life. Some of them know about it and many of them don’t but now that I think about it most of them were not worth impacting or touching but they did and it leaves a hollow inside.
I wonder why dint Dr. APJ Abdul Kalam or Mangal Pandey or someone worth it make a difference in my life. Why does it have to be people who do not deserve to make a mark in my life have been there on those moments, incidences and times.
The truth is that there have been people who have not made a difference in my life but still somehow managed to impact or touch and its unfair. People who don’t even know how deeply involved I got into what they said or did and the whole rollercoaster of emotions. People who are unaware. Its not that I want them to be aware or something but it just annoys me that they are not worth it but still they did it. They tried and they won. And believe me on some level everyone tries to leave an impact or touch your life, they are just not consciously aware of doing it or wanting to do it.
And this writing process is just killing me because if i read “this” article on somebody’s blog it would just kill the shit outa me. All I would think that the article is the sign of extreme boredome and lack of grey matter in the brains. But there are issues and there is grey matter that’s why there are these issues.

Agnostic...

Agnostic…I don’t say I am one because I think its stylish to say this, if this was the case I would have said I was atheist. Before some years when blah (my ex) was there with me I was an atheist. Because all I needed was that one belief, that one thought, that one feeling to hold on to that he’s there everything would be fine. Yeah yeah I made him my God…so I could totally relate to the song “tujhme rab dikhta hai” . But Jokes apart!
Yah although he was not the one who would make wrong right or had to do anything with my problems, sometimes he wasn’t there at all but still I had trained my brains (brains because I am referring to left side n the right side) in a way that it always felt alright, it always felt things would be fine.
The break made me wiser; it made me question my belief, system, my headstrong attitude towards God. Suddenly there was no one to hold on to. No, I was not dependant on him or something on similar lines but it was just a deep routed intense feeling. It took a while to change. So when The God went away I was left all on my own to take care of my own problems. So sometimes when there was no way I knew everything’s gona be fine I wanted a “Belief”. I created an illusion for myself called God. The illusion still has some meaning in my life. The existence of this super natural is still a mystery in my head. Maybe it’s me and not the God who makes things happen. Maybe it’s the intensity of my wants and the way my energies manipulate the situations, thingz started working out *touch wood*.
But In one part of my mind, I know I might be chasing an illusion, but I have no way of dispelling the weird belief. Belief that this all is happening because someone is out there to take care. I am holding on to the belief or have grown more confident cz no one is around, I don’t know but everything has been turning out good at the end and I want to believe in the belief….